Rhapsody in Blue
by DomesticatedWerewolves
Summary: Ridiculously AU. Alucard watches a ship sink and ponders about his deep love for irony.


Kana: This. Is. Not. A. Crossover. The _Titanic_ is more than just a movie with really stupid quotes in it and really annoying love scenes. It's also _an actual ship_. So please don't think it's a crossover. I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, I just _really_ don't want people to think it's a crossover and get my in trouble with people for labeling it wrong.

**Notes on the Holy Scripture:** Though my guilty pleasure is reading Abraham x Alucard fics, I would never write any. There's a reason one of Integra's middle names is Fairbrook, though I wouldn't tell you why X3 And that means that Abraham is not about to beat Alucard while murmuring 'you've been naughty'. Also, Alucard is Dracula in this story, if that makes any sense. If anything, it means he has facial hair, a silly accent, and could make another Alucard out of his hair.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Hellsing or _Titanic_. That ship owns itself I guess…

**Summary: **Ridiculously AU.__Alucard watches a ship sink and ponders about his deep love for irony.

My summary ability is ass.

xxx

**Rhapsody in Blue**

**One-Shot**

xxx

Alucard felt very sour and very nauseous. He could hear the water lapping against the sides of the horrible boat and the overwhelming stench of salt made his head swim. The blood that was offered to him tasted like the sea and it made him retch, so he was allowed to lie in his coffin with his collar undone until the worst of his ailment had passed.

"You should have told me how ill sailing makes you," his master said as he tied his cravat and straightened it. Abraham had grown old; over two decades had passed, but Alucard had never felt even a slight weakness in the seals. "You're completely useless when you're sick."

"The love you show me is enough to make a median want to sing," Alucard slid the coffin lid down, revealing his slightly green face. The ship lurched again and he moaned, putting the lid back in place. "I'm going to lie in a puddle of bloody vomit now, night night."

Abraham sighed and nudged the coffin with his foot. "Come out Count. I think some air will do you some good."

"As much as I appreciate that, I don't need to see the bastard ocean as well," Alucard's voice was muffled but his sardonic tone was as clear as ever. "Besides, if I retch blood all over the deck of this ship and the rich folk see, I'll either be condemned as Satan or taken into the infirmary – which will also lead to the aforesaid satanic conclusion."

"If you vomit blood, it shall be over the side of the ship." Abraham lifted the lid away. "Come now, you shall accompany me to dinner."

"Oh joy." Alucard slinked out of the coffin, standing and hiding his sickly face with the wide fedora he had taken to 'wearing' seven years ago. "Human food _and_ the sea. Testing my limits more than usual tonight?" The hat disappeared in a plume of dust.

"Yes." Abraham made sure the cabin was locked before he and his vampire made their way to the dining hall.

xxx

"Are you well, sir?"

Alucard was _not_ well. There were too many _lights_ in the dining hall, blinding him and making him feel exposed. There were too many _people_ in the dining hall, filling his head with useless chatter and making his hand fly to one of his pistols more than once. And it was so _hot_. Everything that was placed in front of him was _hot_; either it was a hot meal on a hot dish or a cold meal and a hot glass of _hot_ wine.

But he put on his best human face and smiled up at the waiter, twirling his freaking _hot_ glass of wine. "Yes, just a little overwhelmed." _I am going to mesmerize you now, and you are going to go sit in a secluded corner somewhere and wait for me to come and literally suck the life out of you._

Abraham watched the waiter lope off into the kitchens. "I'll let that slide this time, but you're not going to drink from him." Helsing had to admit, the Count looked completely miserable and out of place. He had worn his red coat instead of an actual suit jacket, and he stood out worse than a sore thumb. People stared at his unkempt beard and red eyes and wondered what kind of hole he had crawled out of and where he had gotten a ticket.

Alucard looked at him with his sad, sad eyes and took a sip from his wine. "Fine. But I can still make him attempt to take a bath in that lovely pot of soup."

"You're watching through his eyes?"

"Its more interesting than watching oil mongers talk about money," Alucard said, stretching his arms over his head until something popped loudly. "This used to be fun but now it grows dull. Listening to humans has become so very monotonous. May I go up onto the deck?" He stared at his master with his characteristically long face and sad expression.

Abraham looked around. "I wouldn't want you to get bored…" his eyes landed on the most 'dangerous' person there, and he was only labeled so because he had consumed so much wine that he might kill someone over his next glass, "and I doubt that I'm going to be threatened in this crowd." He waved Alucard away and went back to looking interested.

It was easy to slip from the hall without drawing too much attention. Children wearing pink Lolita dresses and miniature suits ran around his heels, squealing and laughing from the jubilation of sneaking away from their parents. A little girl in a sky blue china doll dress bumped into his leg, her head barely reaching his thigh. Alucard stiffened when she used his pant leg to climb to her feet, but she ran away and disappeared into the crowd before he could complain about the contact.

He deftly grabbed a flute of champagne before he walked under the rich mahogany doors and exited the dining room. A few people still lingered in the hallways, some immigrants who spoke fast and stared at him without trying to hide their curiosity. A man was carrying his son up the lavish staircase, the little boy's face pale and sickly as he rested his chin on his father's shoulder.

The deck was cold, with numbing wind that howled in from the sea and rattled the windows. Alucard almost wished it would snow, to give the deck a sterile innocence just so he could walk through and destroy it. He looked down at the treacherous sea and wished again that it would freeze and break the natural rule about moving water.

"You're a horrible thing and I hate you," Alucard leaned over the deck and growled, venting his frustration. "You're a stupid body of salt and fish and you only move back and forth, so _why_ should you have the right to hinder me so?" He ripped a window off its hinges and flung it into the night like a Frisbee. "I _hate _water!" Alucard howled in fury.

The boat rocked suddenly, lurching and groaning, as if the sea was angry at him as well. Alucard felt his feet slip and he knew that if he fell into the water he would never be able to get out again. But another sharp bump made him lose his footing, and he tripped, landing on his behind on the deck. His foot dangled over the side of the ship, going numb instantly.

Alucard grinned when he saw the iceberg pass. "Oh, this is going to be _fun_."

xxx

Abraham was pushing some kind of strawberry and chocolate cake-thing around his plate when Alucard came to him. "Where you responsible for that little bump?" he asked the vampire, looking suspicious.

Alucard tried to appear wounded. "I'm hurt, Master. Why would I rock a little boat? You know my powers are weakened here."

"It was just a hunch." Van Helsing pushed the plate away, looking around. A few of the other dinner guests were whispering worriedly to each other. "What do you think it was?"

"Iceberg," Alucard's grin widened, exposing his serrated teeth. "I saw it pass us by so I decided to go down into the hold and look. We're going to sink Master, isn't that _exciting_?"

With a clashing of plates Abraham stood up in a flurry. A few people looked at him and wondered if he crawled out of the same crazy hole that Alucard had. "What do you mean we're going to _sink_?" He hissed.

Alucard shrugged and held up his hand level with his chest, keeping it flat in a dull impression of the _Titanic_. "Well Master, when we hit the berg it gouged the ship, so now the ship is going to fill up with water and go like this -," he made his hand sink, whistling in an increasingly deep manner to represent the cruise liner sinking to the bottom of the ocean. "And there are going to be _casualties_, because there aren't enough lifeboats. I love irony."

Grabbing his sleeve, Abraham dragged Alucard out of the dining hall. "We need to do something…"

"Like what?" Alucard's long face was twisting and stretching in more unnaturally happy expressions. "I am utterly useless on the high seas, and you are no better than I in your old age. I am a weapon, Master, not a healer. I cannot mend the ship, nor can I send passengers to safety. People are going to _die_, and it will all be because of the arrogance of the human mind. There will be mass hysteria, people will go overboard, and I will cackle as I sink to the bottom of the ocean."

"How can you find this _funny_?"

Alucard just smiled. He did not feel human emotion easily. He did not feel guilt, or sadness. His most common emotions were boredom, or rage, or bloodlust. Sometimes he felt happiness, but it was in its most primitive form, and it was usually brought by the insanity that he allowed himself to be effected by.

xxx

Nearly an hour later Alucard was carrying his coffin up to the deck. People were flooding out of their staterooms in a frantic rush, the men looking paler than their wives and children. Only a few stared at them.

"They know they have no chance," Alucard told his master cheerily after the both of them had refused to wear lifejackets. "There is a woman and children first policy. There is not going to be enough time to get most of the men onto those cherished boats. This is going to be better than a war."

"I'm sure there are fathers on board who would not want the phrase 'every man for himself' being used," Abraham shot back. "That would cause more hysteria than what is needed."

Out on the deck, bodies were packed together like cows ready for slaughter, but even the nervous heat radiating off everyone did not make it any warmer. The frightened white puffs of breath everyone released were sucked up by the night, and no one noticed that Alucard did not have such a cloud in front of his face. He placed his coffin in a safe hiding spot and released a small familiar in the shape of a black Scottie to guard it. "A lot of those first-class people had dogs, right?"

"Where are you going?" Abraham's eyes trailed nervously to the ship's orchestra, who were beginning to tentatively play.

"I'm going to see how fast this thing is filling up," Alucard lied. In reality he just wanted to look around and eat something.

It only took him a few moments to drift down into the 'dangerous' areas in the third-class cabins. The water was up to his knees in most places and rising fast. He rifled through a few pieces of floating luggage and came out with an old copper cross, a gold-plated set of dangling earrings, and a few soggy bills from countries he had yet to visit.

Then he saw the clusters of bubbles on the water's surface, and the tiny patch of blue satin floating daintily. The little girl wearing the blue china-doll dress came to mind, and he moved on, closing in on a specific room. Alucard found a strip of white lace struggling to break free of the door hinge that kept if from being swept away by the strengthening current.

Alucard heard the girl long before he saw her. Her dress was ripped and damp to the waist, and she was holding the post of a bed frame in despair as he water threatened to drag her away. Her face was wet so he couldn't tell if she was crying, but he figured she was.

"Why are you not up on the deck?" Alucard asked, and the girl looked up at him as if he had just shot her puppy. Something bumped against his leg, and he looked down to see the body of a man – probably her father – floating aimlessly. His head had caved in, possibly due to the jagged piece of shrapnel sticking out of it. An unlucky man in an unlucky place. "Oo-oh, _that's_ why."

A part of him wanted to leave the girl, another part wanted to watch her die. A bigger part – the one influenced by the seals – made him pick her up and carry her out into the hallway, but the aforesaid two parts made him scowl and cringe when she curled her hands into his shirt like claws. In a few more decades, when Integra came down into the dungeons, frightened like this young girl, he would compare the two and thank God neither of them began to sob.

Alucard dragged the girl behind him by the back of her dress. She gagged and coughed when the sea water went up her nose, and her little hands fumbled for a better hold on his arm as the water rose faster. He eventually hoisted her up so that she dangled from his neck, a position that would have strangled him if he needed to breathe.

He hopped up a flight of stairs three at a time, feeling the suffocating pull of the ocean tugging at his last dregs of power. He needed to get to his coffin soon, or he would end up stuck in this god forsaken wreckage until kingdom come. And as fun as it would be to frustrate Abraham by becoming useless, Alucard didn't like the thought of becoming crab food for the rest of eternity.

His ears rang when a noise other than the sound of gurgling water caught his attention when he was halfway up a staircase. It was a muffled, ominous groaning, and he was so shocked that it took his brain nearly a second to realize that god truly _did_ hate him…

"Oh shit…" Alucard braced himself and ran seconds before a wall buckled, sending in hundreds of tons of ocean water to steal his strength. The little girl shrieked for a moment, making his other ear ring. He dissolved into a mass of bats, the sheer numbers dragging the girl along with them as she screamed hysterically.

Alucard vaguely remembered passing a few struggling survivors – it was hard to tell from so many angles – but he wasn't sure because he had been preoccupied keeping the mass intact and making sure the girl was still there. And there was so much screaming, it was like she had never seen a vampiric cluster of bats before. And when he broke out into the crisp air on the deck he could have singed with joy.

Abraham instantly recognized the telltale squeaking of the bats as soon as they had burst through a door, sending the little girl sprawling across the deck until she _thud_ded into a railing. The mass seemed to be repelled when it came close to the side of the ship, as if a wall was between them and the ocean, so it had to double back and swing around into the middle of the ship to transform back into Alucard, scaring more than a few already hectic passengers.

He frowned when it took the bats longer than usual to solidify.

xxx

Alucard could tell that the water was cold by the way the people shivered. He floated along on his coffin, the girl clinging to him like grim, frozen death. He passed people clinging to bobbing flotsam, their lips a sickly blue and frost dusting their wet hair. He did not dare touch any of them when they tried to swim towards his coffin, as any sudden movement might make his only haven tip over and send both him and the girl drifting to the bottom of the ocean.

The best he could do was watch them die.

He did not laugh at their dismay. Not that he wasn't enjoying it, but he did not trust any movement. His coffin was swaying horribly, the wood groaning as four hundred years of gallivanting across Europe caught up with it on the high seas. He could feel waves of every sick feeling in the world radiating off of every dead pore in his dead body.

A particularly large wave, though only more than a foot high, made his coffin rock dangerously, splashing it with salt water that made tingles go up his leg. It took all Alucard had not to fall off, and 'all he had' meant just shutting his eyes tightly. The girl clung tightly to him, shivering violently.

"Stop shivering," Alucard growled to the girl, making her whimper. "You're going to make us tip. And if this coffin tips over, you're going to die."

All the girl could do was lock her jaws. Her lips were blue and her skin was extremely pale, but she still had the strength to scoot further into his lap, putting her head just below his chin. She tilted her head up and rubbed her cheek against his, his beard scratching against her smooth skin.

"Stop that," Alucard demanded quietly. He pushed her head down firmly, and she took the hint and busied herself with touching the buttons on his waistcoat.

Sometime after that, Alucard drifted to sleep. He was in contact with his coffin, so it was easy to rest. His eyes remained slightly open, so the girl thought he was still awake.

Or she thought he had died and was going to push him off the coffin. Either way he was going to get some sleep.

In Alucard's mind he felt his master growing closer. The man had been given a place on one of the last lifeboats, as he was elderly. He had refused at first, but Alucard had quietly pointed out that if he died he would release a pissy nosferatu onto the world. Alucard himself had gotten stuck with the little girl because he had taken too long getting back to the top deck, and by that time the boat had been sinking at nearly a forty degree angle.

Alucard hated gravity sometimes. He had been forced to get inside his coffin in front of other people – most of whom who had been too deeply in their hysterics to really notice – with the little girl, who had been petrified. While inside the coffin, it had grown legs and waddled to the railing, then flung itself over before weakly paddling away from the sinking ship, so as not to be hit by any of the debris or people. After that, the life inside it had flickered and died for the time being, making him open the lid and sit on top of it (which in itself had been a real feat).

And that was how he came to be floating in the ocean, waiting for his master.

"There he is!" Abraham shouted, pointing at the coffin and its passengers. He didn't really see them so much as sense Alucard, but it gave the other occupants of the lifeboat peace of mind that he wasn't as strange as his 'friend'.

As the lifeboat floated closer, Alucard woke up. He felt his master growing closer, and saw the silhouette of the boat and the blinding fog light at its prow. He shifted a little, feeling slightly better now that his master was nearby, and shook the girl.

"Wake up," he commanded.

She didn't. Alucard prodded her with his mind and was almost shocked to feel that the life had drifted out of her while he slept, her body giving up for want of warmth. As he gave off no body heat, he had effectively killed her by letting her freeze to death. The vampire did not understand this, as he had forgotten that humans could die that way. The only ways he remembered were by blood loss, illness, decapitation, and a piercing of the heart. He spent a moment checking her for an injury that had festered, but he found nothing and lost interest.

"Alucard…" Abraham wasn't sure what to do. His servant did not require comfort. Helsing wasn't even sure if Alucard cared that the girl had died in his arms.

"Yes?" Alucard got into the lifeboat, not looking at the people who were staring at him. When he got off his coffin, it had shaken and caused the dead body to fall into the ocean. Now the girl was nothing more than a white and blue smudge under the water.

Abraham knew Alucard could feel human emotions. The vampire just didn't understand them anymore, his child-mind focusing on what interested him rather than what didn't. Dying humans only interested him if he gained something from it, such as thrill or bloodlust or a meal.

When Alucard felt wetness on his face he reached up to wipe it away, thinking it spray from the ocean. His glove came away red.

"Am I bleeding?" Alucard asked his master, almost bewildered.

"No," Abraham answered.

xxx

Kana: (makes a face) Ew at the cheesiness.

If there are some mistakes in this, I didn't notice. There's too much cheese and I might regret posting this later. But I wrote this while I was doing something on _Titanic_, and I thought it was good enough to get posted instead of just taking up space on my hard drive. Now it's still taking up space, but in a more useful way.

Review cause you like cheese.


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